its hard to say that i was wrong, its hard to say that i miss you

well today turned out quiet nicely if i must say so myself, despite my frantic chaos and failing attempt to obtain "the fantastic voyage"(test on it friday) and "hamlet"(start reading in class wednesday). josh totally redeemed himself from the uumm situation over the break...i think we both realized today that we missed eachother more than we thought(we hadn't been w/in 20 miles of eachother for almost a week)...absense makes the heart grow fonder?

theres a yellow brick road that we follow back home

well i hope your past few days have been awesome cause mine have...nothing but eating, sleeping, reading, and watching movies...but thats what a break is, right? too bad we have skool tomorrow. congrats michael on getting your truck!

random ramblings of my day

lets see, today i had what i've decided to call my "obsessive compulsive breakdown"; where i decided that as much of the house as possible needed to become as clean as possible as soon as possible or i was going to die or somethin...lucky for jenzen and gabriel, i didn't let them miss anyof the fun, haha. i havent yet decided what caused this lapse...it was either the procrastination fairy that was telling me i simply had to wait until later to start on that report or the conversation between me and josh about how he thinks i need to gain weight that keeps repeating itself in my head. either way, the house is a little cleaner and my ocd beast is no longer hungry. i also discovered that those dove facial thingies are virtually indestructable and dont run out of soap(no matter how much water you run through em, crazy right? and finally,old navy is currently selling the most comfortable pants in the entire world, go buy youself some.

lesson of the day #4

it is just as offensive to tell someone they need to "gain some weight" as i'm sure it is to tell someone they need to "lose some weight"...

DYNAMITE!!!

deb and napoleon

sorry guys, i had to post it...its too funny...i love it...

Blue or Green?

will this debate ever end?you must help!tell me what color is this eye?

ROLL EFFIN TIDE

well i just got back from the game and it was really great fun even though we lost 13-21 (and it rained right before we got there so my pants soaked up every drop of water that came within a mile radius of em)...its the 3rd quarter that got us,but i'm not complaining cause we were winning till then and that wasn't even expected due to the circumstances. a win would have been nice but it was almost not even an option, i mean what can ya do-auburn happens to have a good team this year and our season has sucked. auburn fans are total assholes(not that i didn't already know that...), just thought i'd clear that one up for you. o but i think the most entertaining thing(besides the whole time alabama was winning) was after the game, we were tailgaiting or whatever and our tent was set up right across the street from the auburn buses for some reason. after most of the players had boarded the bus, there was this group of about 6 or 7 girls that looked to be in their early teens wearing matching auburn windbreakers and holding what appeard to be programs, they came around to the side of one of the buses i was facing and looked in and recognized one of the players...well you know that equals an automatic HEART ATTACK. every single one of em jumped up and down and screamed and started beating on the windows screaming "I LOVE YOU!!!I LOVE YOU!!!WILL YOU SIGN THIS FOR ME!!!" one girl even got the brillant idea to ask them for their number...she looked highly intelligent jumping up and down waving her cell phone, screaming "CAN I HAVE YOUR NUMBER?!?!"...the players were pretty kool about it, they waved and stuff and went about their business...even though the girls continued to run around to the other side of the bus and back again doing the same routine about 4 or 5 more times...it was very humorous. "it was a fun night in t-town"-my dad

ROLL TIDE ROLL

well today was pretty nifty if i must say so myself...skool was skool, pep rallies are gay(another post another time...)! i finally got to go to the new ramp n speed with josh(b/f) and ed(ex b/f), how convenient, lol, jk...it was allright. its like nothing compared to the old one but it was great fun, even if all i did was watch.OMG I'M SO EXCITED-I'M GOING TO THE IRON BOWL TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!ITS GOING TO BE EFFIN AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!

i want to be the girl with the most cake

yea, the highlight of my day was dissecting the sheep heart in anatomy...actually it was kind of gross because ours had so much effin fat on it and it was like extremely greasy...gross! i went to the play too, it was pretty kool; ronnie did good, he can act really well! i'm about to go watch The Last Samuri...

suckin' on my brain, youre the teacher, i'm the student

i was listening to the radio this morning and tuttle and kline mentioned a topic that i found very interesting-Single Sex Education...at first i though to myself "OMFG!WTF!I THINK THEY'VE LOST THEY'RE EFFING MINDS!WHAT IS THIS?21ST CENTURY SEGREGATION?!?!?" so i decided to look into it and found some pretty interesting stuff. it almost sounds like a good idea...i personally think we should separate core classes; electives though might be a little extreme. i'll post some facts later. www.singlesexschools.org

Why you gotta keep the fan on high when it's cold outside?Just want to let you know that I'm still a fan, get it?

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i can't believe i forgot to post about this! ok yesterday during driver's ed this truck driver came and lectured us...well he also let us sit in his truck and stuff... it was my turn and it came time to get out and i tried to step down the steps like you would normally do and he almost had a heartattack and made me get back in the truck (after i was already halfway out) and turn around and walk down them backwards...he was not very good at trying to tell me what he wanted me to do so it took me a few minutes to figure it out, i looked/felt like a total idiot. needless today, last night i dreamed i was driving an 18-wheeler and wrecked it...i wasn't injured or anything but it wasn't exactly a pleasant dream...

all the waves of blame arrange as broken scenery, as they steal your best memories away

this week has been so crazy that all i wanted to do today was rest...and that i did. got a call at 11 this morning askin if i wanted to go to the skatepark, that fell through due to the lack of a ride there; its ok, we had a nice conversation. tried to make other plans, also fell through; took it as a sign just to stay home. my book i ordered got here! EVERYONE SHOULD BUY "GO ASK ALICE" RIGHT NOW AND READ IT! its the best book i have ever read!

lesson of the day #3

unusually affectionate guys with mullets make out with all the chicks...thats just the way it is...

(note:all the chicks, except me...just in case you were wondering)

i am thinking its a sign, that the freckles in our eyes are mirror images, and when we kiss theyre perectly alligned

yay we finally finished cat dissections! they were starting to smell HORRIBLE! we were like miles behind everyone too so we were the last ones to finish... we actually finished like just after everyone else did but josh wasn't exactly done, so my teacher let us stay in there and operate further...omg it was so funny, he was tryin to get the eye out and this guy had already tried to tell him that theres like fluid in the eye but yea, he punctured it accidentally and eye juice SHOT out! it was great! the koolest part of the whole thing was the brain though, that stuff is really awesome!the kidneys were pretty nifty too. we wont our football game so w00t for us. hahaha i went to the senior banquet, and as you prolly know- i'm not a senior(i only went because i really didnt' want to walk home alone at 10 at night and josh said he needed to talk to me)... i dont know whats going on with me and him...nothing makes sense, all i want is for him to decide what he really wants...

"worn me down"-rachael yamagata

gone-she's gone
how do you feel about it?
thats what i thought
youre real torn up about it
and i wish you the best
i could do without it
and i will because youve worn me down
oh, i will because youve worn me down

worn me down like a road
i did everything you told
worn me down to my knees
i did everything to please you
but you cant stop thinking about her
no, you cant stop thinking about her

and youre wrong. youre wrong
i'm not overreacting
something is off
why dont we ever believe ourselves?
and i, oh i, feel that word for you
and i will because youve worn me down
and i will because you have worn me down

worn me down like a road
i did everything you told
worn me down to my knees
i didn everything to please you

worn me down like a road
i did everything you told me to do
by you, you cant stop thinking about her
no, you cant stop thinking about her
no, you cant stop thinking about her
no, you cant stop thinking of her



this song freakishly describes exactly what i think is going on right now...then again i could be wrong, i really hope i'm wrong...either way its a good song and i highly recommend you d/l it...

lesson of the day #2

when your driving down the highway and you hear a loud "POP!!!" and all the cars in front of you hit their brakes, dont assume that "POP!!!" was an acorn hitting the roof of your car and continue driving because it was probably someone's tire exploding...yes, my moms friend did that today

lesson of the day numer uno a day late

allright i'm making my first lesson of the day start yesterdaybecause i learned something very vital, lol. i'll post one later for today. but anyways...lesson #1-when a guy says he needs a break from you(and its the only other option than breaking up with you), dont call him 2 days later, interrupt his movie, and waste his PRIME MINUTES asking what exactly he meant by "a break". this will anger him slightly and you'll most likely get the response "WHAT DO YOU THINK I MEANT BY A BREAK?!?!" when you say "i dont know, i'm not the one who wanted a break. you did, you tell me" he'll then give you some lame excuse like "it means not taking you home after skool, not talking to you all night on the phone, and not hanging out on the weekends; i feel really bad about this"...yes i did learn this from experience

pretty girl pt. 2

well now for a real post..but before that-hey look jay, i spiced up my blog!PICTURE YEAH!.lol...anyways...today was definitely a beautiful letdown. started off as good as its been lately...got to 3rd block and josh gave me one of his senior pics...he's really making this "break" thing hard. like as soon as i got in class he started talkin to me, then walked w/me to lunch but didn't sit at my table; talked to me almost all of class, at one time i got up to talk to nat and he sat at my desk then i got up again and the person whose desk i was sittining in reclaimed it and josh didn't move so i just sat in a chair next to my desk and talked to him while he drew on my binder. he was acting like nothing happened and so i called him this afternoon to see what his idea of a "break" was and he was being like really rude to me and stuff and i was wasting his "prime minutes" so i called back a few minutes ago and he ignored my call. i think i'm letting this get to me way too much and need to get my mind off of it, too emotionally stressful, i guess i got too attached too fast maybe. so changing the subject...a little while ago i found out my part in the xmas play, 2 lines, w00t! dave is using the fact that my purse is in the back of michael's truck to try to get me to go to that LANparty at michael's house tomorrow...haha, last lanparty i went to i effin fell asleep...i think people are making too big of a deal out of halo 2 anyways, the only thing about it that appeals to me is that Incubus plays it before they put on a show...so thats pretty kool. i think i'm gonna try to skateboard tomorrow. as of today i can officially attempt to get my LICENSE, WOOHOO...thats what i get for waiting till May to get my permit(9 months after i turned 15, haha)...kool fact-that new song by bowling for soup "1985" was originally written and recorded by SR-71, BFS happened to hear it, like it, and want to record it themselves and what'dya know...it seems to be a hit...i'm feeling talkative tonight and no ones online...ok i'll stop now

its the way that he makes you feel, its the way that he kisses you...its the way that he makes you cry, its the way that he's in your mind

yep there it is

hey look i posted a pic allllllllllll by myself. GO ME. YOU SHOULD BE SO PROUD OF ME!lol ok enough of that, yep thats the board. yes,today my neighbor went over the part that says "just joking" w/black permanent marker because it was all anti-christian like and he wrote all over the cross explaining how his board isn't satanic etc...

"i'm a fake"-the used

small, simple, safe price.
rise the wake and carry me with all of my regrets.
this is not a small cut that scabs, and dries, and flakes, and heals.
and i am not afraid to die.
i'm not afraid to bleed, and fuck, and fight.
i want the pain of payment.
what's left, but a section of pigmy size cuts.
much like a slow of a thousand unwanted fucks.
would you be my little cut?
would you be my thousand fucks?
and make mark leaving space for the guilt to be liquid.
to fill, and spill over, and under my thoughs.
my sad, sorry, selfish cry out to the cutter.
i'm cutting trying to picture your black broken heart.
love is not like anything.
expecially a fucking knife.

look at me.
can you tell,
by the way i move and do my hair?
do think thatits me,
or is it it not me?
i dont even care.
i'm alive, i dont smell.
i'm the cleanest i have ever been.

i feel big, i feel tall, i feel dry.
dry.
just look at me, look at me now.
i'm a fake, i'm a fake, i'm a fake, i'm a fake.
just look at me, look at me now.
i'm a fake, i'm a fake, i'm fake, i'm fake

do i drink?
do i date?
i've got perfect placements.
all my ink satisfied,
in your eyes.
i'm the biggest fan that ive got right now.
i made sure that i look how i wanted to lok.
the people around me,
the people surround me.

i feel big, i feel tall, i feel dry.
dry.
just look at me, look at me now.
i'm a fake, i'm a fake, i'm fake, i'm fake.

my stomach hurts now,
and all tied off in lace.
i pray, i bed, for anything to hit me in the face.
and this sickness isnt me.
i pray to fall from grace.
th last thing i see is feeling.

and i'm telling you i'm a fake(5x)

just look at me look at me now.
i'm a fake, i'm a fake, i'm fake, i'm fake.(4x)

fake(3x)

....just thought i'd enlighten ya'll

i can't live with or without you

hhmm day 1 of break from josh...hope he's enjoying it i guess, cant say i am but i guess i cant change that.dont feel like saying anymore about that. today was just awkward...like i didn't get to talk to people i usually do and i talked to alot of people i normally dont. it doesn't sound awkward when i put it like that but i dont feel like going into detail. my constant nauseus feeling wont go away, i cant figure out whats making me sick, ugh. guess i'll write later, got some research to do

well i wish that things were so different,change it myself,its what i'll do

yep, i'm having one of those days where you feel like the world is against you. i got to skool and things turned to shht before i got out of the freakin car. i mean seriously, so much went wrong its absurd. i cant even talk about the josh situation. i felt like i was going to puke all day for multiple reasons;barely had breakfast and dinner. my mom got back in town and immediately started reminding me how self centered i am and how i make bad choices, etc...making me feel even worse than i already did, which i thought was quite impossible until it happened. went to natalie's house and helped her clean her car. then we went went to wally world and got hair dye, because, well my hair needed dying. even that turned out kinda disasterous, i got highlights and lowlights and my dirty blonde hair turned some shade of red, not that it looks bad. wow, i'm going to hug jenzens friend jordan tomorrow, she bought me a bag of m&ms for no reason(jenzen just came in and handed em to me), its the best thing that happened to me all day.

heres to the nights we felt alive

after gay misunderstandings on the phone at wee morning hours, today was great. got to sleep a little later and be lazy. washed some dishes/cleaned the kitchen a little. skateboarded. josh came over for a little while then we decided to go see a movie, we saw The Incredibles since i really really dont want to see Saw and we've both heard The Grudge was lame. the incredibles was pretty freakin funny. the best part was when one of the guys was talking to his wife and he's like "...but its for the greater good" and she's like "i'm the greatest good your ever gonna have" ...then there was this part where the bad guy was jus like "lame lame lame lame LAME" its only hilarious because thats like josh's word and now everyones gonna think he got it from that movie, lol...anyways, after all thats happened this week, i cant decide if i'm looking forward to church tomorrow; i didn't go wednesday night due to the circumstances...but yea sleep sounds so good right now...

the cup is not as empty as pessimists say...as far as i can see nothings left in the cup

holy crap today was actually pretty pleasant, yay! due to the football game last night and field trip, there weren't that many people at skool, so we didn't do much work. josh painted me an awesome picture. i got to eat dinner w/my dad which was kool cause i havent seen him since he got married back in september. i'm so glad this week is finally coming to an end!!!

i walk this boulevard of broken dreams...my shadows the only one that walks beside me

game over. i lose

well now that that little rant is over...everyone must go watch the skate video by Flip called "Really Sorry"...i think i've watched it 20 times since like saturday...if you know of any better videos please share...

that's the art of losing...

i look back on the past few days at my blog and michael's blog and everything i know of that was said pertaining to our situation...and i wonder-what has this accomplished? the problem was merely between me and michael but it seems everyone else has decided to step in and uumm voice their opinion and/or pass their judgement, as if it was their business. i'm disappointed, shocked, and very hurt from what this has turned into. its probably effected me more than i should have allowed it to but back to my question-after everything that has happened, from what i can see, nothing positive has been accomplished. michael is still not over me. i'm still going out with josh and like him just the same. and yes i still know that i'm not a very attractive person. its disappointing though to realize how many people don't like me...but i guess i set myself up for hate when i made this blog. i personally dont like being talked bad about or hated so i want to give people the least amount of stuff to use against me as possible, therefore i am ending this blog. goodbye

if the worlds at large why should i remain

allright i've done alot of thinking, i have alot of things to cover, and i'm probably about to offend a bunch of people. i'm pretty angry at the moment therefore i'm going to say what i want to say no matter how mean it is. the michael situation should be a good start. i shouldn't have dated him in the first place, the feelings obviously weren't mutual but i tried because he's a good person and very likeable and i thought he was worth the chance at the time. i dont necessarily regret it because i cant go back and change it ya know. i also cant control the way i truly feel about someone. i dont like him like he likes me and thats it, i just dont and never will, deal with it. i'm tired of having to feel bad for something i cant control, its not right; its also not fair for other people to get mad at me or judge me because of how michael currently feels. also, this is my blog...its for me, not anyone else...if you choose to read it thats fine, but its only respectful if you just keep your comments to yourself or just dont even read it if you only going to make fun of it. i can talk about whatever i want when i want on this...even josh, as much as i want to, if you have a problem with it just dont read it.theres lots more i want to say, i'll post later