she thinks she missed the train to mars, she's out back counting stars

today was pretty boring...went to church, home, and back to church...didn't get to see josh at all...i dont know what to do with michael, its really getting to me...you cant please everybody and you cant fix everything and i guess i have trouble dealing with that...

get sucked in and stuck in late nights with more folks that i dont know

i havent posted in a few days...yesterday was pretty boring-went to skool and josh came over and we watched skateboarding videos and Grand Theft Parsons(pretty funny movie). this morning i woke up to "boys in the hood" playing on the X(haha michael i sang it just for you!) and to realize my friend's halloween party was tonight, she called and gave me details(including that i HAD to wear a costume)before i was even fully awake. so we went to the thrift store in search of a costume and factory connection and stuff but had no luck...i was about to resort to borrowing nat's costume from yesterday(amy lee off of the "broken" video)...when josh drove up(pleasant surprise, seeing as we weren't even going to do anything today and i had tried to get in touch w/him when i was in pell city but failed), he brought me a rose(AAAAWWWEEE) and happened to have a work shirt and name tag in his car so i borrowed that and i already have his belt and a pair of shoes just like his, soooooo i was Josh tonight. i'm sure it would have been pretty awesome if more than 2 people at the party i went to even knew who he was haha. its ok cause i thought it was awesome. the party was allright, best part was the food.

just one kiss and i'm alive, one kiss and i'm ready to die, cause youre so beautiful yeah

sry i haven't posted in a few days-bloggers been fudgin up...i'm so tired...today was rather interesting. in 3rd block we started out cat dissections(CAT, I'M A KITTY CAT AND I DANCE DANCE DANCE AND I DANCE DANCE DANCE)...me and josh ended up being partners(yay) so that was really awesome-he was insanely into it, it was making our table kinda nervous haha. all we did today was peel the skin off and wrap it back up in the skin we'd just peeled off(fur coat?) ::pointless:: hhmm after skool me and josh hung out in the parking lot cause there was absolutely nothing better to do...it was pretty fun and he doesn't have to work tomorrow night so heck yes!

and after all, youre my wonderwall

i think i'm going to give up on october 25 from now on, just sit at home and do nothing because i hate this day. 1 year ago today me and ed started going out. today me and josh got in a massive fight that could have totally been avoided. i have LOADS of homework, ugh!!!!!!!! today effin sucked i just wanna go to sleep and wake up tomorrow!!!! i cant even write any more...

do you care if i dont know what to say, will you sleep tonight or will you think of me...

lets see...today i went to church and i got to sit in the very very back and watch michael screw up the projector thingy, haha...josh stopped by for a few minutes which was kool...then i went back to church and had dinner and went to ATROX which was freakin hilarious. i've never been to like a haunted house or anything...my group consisted of me, jenzen, katherine, emily, katie, and ryan...emily and katie left in the first room...i made ryan go first and i like latched on to him, i feel bad for him cause i like ran him into walls and stuff and stepped all over these strings on his pants which made him trip and stuff and i'm sure i like cut the circulation off in his arms from holding them so tight...it wasn't so much scary like at all, i just didn't like the uumm limited hallway space(claustrophobia) and the fact that the people could touch you...i dont want to go back to skool tomorrow...

and sweet sweet sweet surrender is all i have to give

today was pretty awesome...went and got my hair cut(she cut more off than i expected but i like it), went to the guad, and then we didn't have anything better to do so we went to ross(got like 2 pairs of pants). on our way back we saw a truck at the church, so of course carol turned around and assisted the customers in buying a pumpkin, and i went to dollar general and talked to ronnie. josh came over and we watched 2 movies, totally made my day...i prolly wont get to see him tomorrow though-gay...wow i'm really tired so i guess i'm going to bed...

if you feel like dying, you might wanna sing

i think those phone calls that last into the wee morning hours are starting to catch up with me...i'm so effin tired...i didn't even want to go to the football game so i stayed here, i'm about to watch a movie and hopefully fall asleep...i hope i'm not having a relapse...omg, josh wore my jeans today and they were SOOO CUTE, lol, i swear they look better on him than me, dead sexy haha...o yea, michael cant play during halftime at the game tonight hahahahahahaha. no quads for us! i'm gettin my hair cut tomorrow yay! wow that was all sooooo random...

sooner or later-we'll be lookin back on everything and we'll laugh about it like we knew what was happening...

yep...so i'm over my boring blog paranoia.... my day was allright...I PASSED ALL MY GRADUATION EXAMS ON THE FIRST TRY!!! that wouldn't be such an accomplishment if half the skool could seem to manage it also, lol. i didn't have to go to soccer practice yay! josh was a loser and decided not to come to skool cause he slept late because uuumm he stayed on the phone till freakin 2 this morning! he made up for it though cause he left extra early for church and hung out here for a while,::aawwee::...sucks he has to work tomorrow night and saturday...i wish they'd let him atleast transfer to leeds...one of the feelings i hate most that comes w/us humans is jealousy...o well it happens i guess

touch, i'll stand for nothing less, or never stand again, these are the limits when one's buried...

well michael has uum informed me that my posts are repeitive and thats why no one comments to my blog...so i have nothing more to say other than THE NEW CHEVELLE CD IS EFFIN AWESOME....

pull myself apart. just to feel something real. i close my eyes, i turn my back for one last time. i hold my breath, i fall asleep inside your arms.

worked today from like 9:45-1 at mother's day out...wasn't too bad at all, there were like 9 kids there...afterwards i was supposed to skateboard with josh...my mom got here and jenzen had a friend over and gabriel is sick and the house was a mess then dave came over and it was nothing but chaos...so i didn't end up callin josh till it was too late(after i had spent 2 hours cleaning half of the house) and he couldn't come over... he's sick anyways-he gave me whatever he has but somehow i dont have it near as bad as he does, i hope he gets better soon and i'm not about to get 10 times worse...after cleaning half the house, me and my mom moved on to the carport but since its raining we cant very well haul any of the junk away so i jus swept...alot. my mom also thinks that its really awesome that (gay) matt thompson has a huge half pipe in his backyard and she like wants to build me one now, lol...that would be really awesome, she's already almost for sure buying me a board for xmas. www.mysteryskateboards.com <<

so deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me, off guard, redhanded; now i'm far from lonely, asleep i still see you lying next to me...

lets see if i can remember what i was just trying to post before my computer fudged up...well me and josh mize are kool now i guess,judging by what i've heard so far from the new cd by THE USED, its soooooooo FREAKIN AWESOME>i highly recommend you go out and buy it RIGHT NOW!!! ugh i feel like crap, i hope its just allergies...maybe i wont have to play in my game tonight. josh has to work from like 4-close>>>GAY<<< but i guess its ok cause we've done stuff like every day for yea days...maybe tomorrow. i'm so bored, i think i'll go watch another movie...

but my thoughts were so loud i couldn't hear my mouth

well today perked up quite nicely...josh came and picked me up at like 5 and i had to be back at 9 due to yesterdays fiasco...but i didn't mind because i wasn't going to be able to hang out w/him at all in the first place...we went to the park and walked the track and skateboarded(yes once again i skateboarded today), then we went and saw josh's old house which is crazy because i know the ppl that live in it now and i've babysat over there before, then we went to movie gallery and looked at movies(compared to blockbuster), then we went to wal mart because theres nothing to do in moody...all the losers linger in wal mart which is why matt cole and his buddies found us in there haha jk...its ok it was still fun...i love being around josh...he makes my day

oh atleast you could try, just let me be closer, for this one last time, it could be allright

well last night was fun because i was with josh but more on the disasterous side all around, nothing turned out as planned...i wont even go into details...no one wants to sell pumpkins at the church and its pissing my youth director off-she jus sent half of us home...i dont really care...I OLLIED TODAY FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE JULY!!!WOOOHOOO!!!!!that totally made my day...

and if you have a minute why dont we go talk about it somewhere only we know?

well i am currently at my church selling pumpkins...ugh...actually we've sold a fair amount, better than i thought we would and i still have 2 and a half hours...ggggaaayyyy...anyways...last night was definitely grand-hung out w/josh after skool, he totally exploded a sunkist ALL OVER me and blake's truck, then we went to get his paycheck from pell city and watched a huge truck pulling an even huger trailor cut us off then almost hit us then actually hit a truck w/the trailor(it was crazy), then we got somethin to eat and went to the church and skateboarded(well he and dave did) for a while(it was pretty awesome), then i had to go change clothes because i just had pure sunkist and like hanburger stuff i dropped on me, and then we went to blake's and watched some movies and that was totally awesome...i love hanging out with josh...just being around him...too bad he's working the forever shift today(10-4) and has a family reunion tomorrow...people these days with their jobs and their families...gah...well i'm about posted out for now...

show me how we end this alright,show me how defenseless you really are,satisfied and empty inside, well that's all right, let's give this another try

wow guys today was quite eventful...i dont really feel like talking about it much because it doesn't make sense so its not even worth trying to explain...cliff notes of today-me and josh decided to make it official or whatever at like 2 this morning and then i got skool and it seems like he's avoiding me(ok so he wasn't talking to me at all), we start passing a note in 3rd and he just ends what little bit of nothing our relationship was so yea i amost had a nervous breakdown in the middle of class...but then after skool he came to my locker and was saying how confused he was and that he just felt like he needed to end it before it was too late and he appologized and we hung out in the parking lot for over 2 hours talkin and stuff...i like him too much for him to be doing this...

rain rain go away, come again another day, all the world is waiting for the sun

so now i'm a disappointment and a bad kid and i dont have my moms "blessing" because she believes moody gossip and descriminates against jehovah's witnesses and i like josh...i dont even care anymore...i wish she would cut me some slack and trust me but i guess thats a neg...kinda depressing but you know every good thing has a bad side to it, with josh its my mom...i dont know what to do but stick with it and hope she learns to live with it because its worth it, he's worth it...

to suffer now or nothings gained, then wake within a freezing sweat

so yea...i've decided that i'm just going to endure the interrogation from the maternal unit(who actually bought me a billabong hoodie and a hurley jacket today, following of course the process as always(get mad at me, get mad again when i dont talk to her and lecture about how "ignoring" is not the answer when youre mad, buy me new clothes)...as i was saying, i'm just going to not let her stuff get to me...josh is worth it...haha, he's gonna borrow some of my pants tomorrow and try to wear em to skool(if they fit)...should be quite a sight...

maybe i'll call or write you a letter

summary of today...skool was allright, perhaps pleasant...afterwards hung out with josh...according to my mom "josh has a bad reputation" and shes "heard stuff" about me too because she "does talk to ppl in moody", which to me could possibly be the worst reason because everyone knows how moody is and the fact that its my own mother believing gossip over my word is so insanely absurd that i'm not even going into that ...obviously rumors are flying so i'm going to keep my mouth shut and not post so much for a while i guess...i need time to work this out...

God, how i long, how i long, to grab thy hand and WALK

hey i actually drove a 5 speed today....anyways, things are working themselves out slowly but surely i suppose...despite religious differences/controversy on both sides i still want to pursue it with josh because i guess i like him that much...i've gotten to know him better lately and i have so much respect for him, maybe one day i'll tell him that, lol...he totally made my day today-i was out with my church putting up flyers for the pumpkin patch thing and we passed cvs and it was brought to my attention that josh was in the parking lot, so i borrowed a cell and called him from chevron(which was our last stop before returning to church) and he came over to the chevron and talked to me for a few minutes...he doesn't have to work tomorrow-i hope we get to hang out...well i'm tired...so yea...

once again your eyes make it hard to say goodbye so i'll just keep driving where you wanna go it doesn't really matter as long as you are here with me

i dont know what to say, my mom is pure descriminating and making up rules that dont even exist. so first i can't date till i'm 16(me and ed broke up 5 months before i turned 16), then when i turn 16 she says "you can't make your own decisions till youre 18"...so she decides who i can like and not like...one would think she would have stepped in and said something with the ed thing if that was the case...

so take care or, plead silence, weak hands are calling

wowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowowow today was soooooooo tremendous....i dont even know what to say,i spent like all day with josh and silly string'd brad's car, lol, it was just great, i couldn't have asked for a better day...geez louise i cant even breathe...josh henderson is such a blessing...

like scarlet drips on a white tile floor. a cardiac metronome. we'll scrape the guardrail from out teeth and start again.

so napoleon dynamite is the best movie ever...hanging out with josh and nat was 1337 to teh maxorz!!!!!!!soccer practice was gay though cause my coach jus wants to point out everything wrong with us and stuff and his daughter is just evil and calls everyone names the whole time and talks about how she doesnt want to be there at all...she stepped on my freakin foot and it still hurts...she shoved me a good time or 2 also....pisses me off! but it doesn't matter cause tomorrow is homecoming game and i'm excited!!! yay!!!

its so much better, when seafoam green is in fashion....are you in?

well today was allright i guess...took a test and watched a movie first block, looked up gay definitions in 2nd, colored worksheets/sat in the lab/endured the usual torment(lol, i really dont care anymore), and took a test and slept 4th block...gonna watch NAPOLEON DYNAMITE when josh gets out of detention!!!yay!!! i'm excited, thats such a good movie!!!i have soccer practice though too in a little while which kinda sucks cause i dont like my coach and my back hurts...well i'll write more later...

Well if they're making it, then they're pushing it, and they're leading us along, the hassle of, all the screaming fits, that panic makes remorse

i feel like crap, soooo tired, horrible headache, just all around feel bad. and geez louise things are just going crazy. i'm trying so bad not to hurt people...but whatever i do someone is going to get upset and try to turn my words around on me. and i feel soooooooooo aweful for getting mad at josh h but i'm getting in truoble so i have to get offline i might be on later maybe not...ugh...

i tried my best to hide it. now its obvious. i wear it in these wounds that never heal. theres no saving us tonight

hey today was allright. skool was mighty boring though, cept for 3rd block cause me/josh h/trevin got in trouble in the lab because we're idiots and if you breathe wrong and youre not a prep then you automatically get in trouble...i actually didn't even mind 4th block because we watched a movie...afterwards went to the thrift store with josh h/paul/and joel, very fun...awesome people to hang out with...i was even like an hour and a half later than my mom really wanted me to be home and i tried to call and it was busy so i went ahead and had dinner, got home and she didn't even get mad it was awesome...ok so today was pretty great after all...wouldn't change a thing

babble bable, 1337 1337, rebel rebel, pwnage pwnage, sex sex sex, and dont forget the violence

hhmm today was rather boring...i'm extremely sore from the game...my back still hurts like a crazy mofo...we had a youth spaghetti lunch today at church(went to food world 4 times to get spaghetti sause, even brought some back and exchanged it once)...went to brookwood...got michael a really awesome shirt from hot topic...totally avoided my health project...went to youth, we ended up riding around in the van playin a totally pointless game, funniest thing was michael runnin face first into a branch in todd's yard in the pitch black dark...good times...

cause i'm just a teenage dirtbag baby, yea i'm just a teenage dirtbag

wow i'm in a really good mood, today was so awesome!!!(even though i got 4 and a half hours of sleep last night)now that all the michael stuff is worked out that drops my stress level by like 10 billion. i had a game at 10 this morning, we played the boys team and lost 4-0(maybe5) i dunno, but it was so much fun. it was like 9 thousand degrees(i think i sweated off 5 pounds) and we had 1 sub(they had atleast 6) so i played all but 5 minutes of the game. all the guys except the last one i marked were freakin midgets that could have easily run through my legs...they were like violent too, the last guy kept shoving me(i think thats how i hurt my back)...after the game, we went to bahama breeze for nat's bday which was fun because her family is awesome(she got the koolest phone ever)...then we went to the big lots and i finally got a new hair straightener(yay)...then to the thrift store cause jenz and kat needed homecoming stuff, i bought a really awesome suit jacket and the highlight of my day was finding A DRESS JUST LIKE DEB'S(OFF OF NAPOLEON DYNAMITE)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! jenzen looks alot like her but i dont know if she'll wear it wednesday, if not- i'm coming to skool in that mofo!!!i love it!

here comes the rain again, falling from the stars, drenched in my pain again, becoming who we are

well afte much late night/early morning discussion...it has been decided to uumm, how shall i put this...postpone the michael and madison...now isn't the right time....and no i dont hate michael for the post yesterday...we all have different ways of dealing with things...its understandable...well i have a soccer game at 10 so once again heres a short post for ya...

I'm writing again-These letters to you-Aren't much I know-But I'm not sleeping and-You're not here-The thought stops my heart-Do you notice I'm gone?-

hhhmmm, well today skool was pretty boring and uneventful. josh h is going to become severely injured(or markered) monday because he lied about letting me borrow Napolean Dynamite! josh m came and picked me up from skool and we went to brookwood. i've found that shopping always makes me feel better after something like a breakup, i guess its pretty convenient we've had this planned for a week. i bought a shirt from hot topic and 2 from american eagle. after shopping, we road around a little, came back here briefly, then went and met ronnie/ haley/ tracy/ joannie at wally world so ronnie and tracy could get some homecoming door decoration stuff. tried to give michael his "space" or whatever and we ended up not talking at all today(which is prolly for the best after reading his post)... and of course you know i cant finish this entry without commenting to his post from today...i dont even know what to say honestly...i'm utterly in shock...he must have done some serious "meditation" to go from thursdays post-"Madison was somehow different from other girls Ive either dated or liked in the past"---to---todays post-"How could you have liked a girl and gone out with Madison. I dunno. Did I? Hard to tell. I dont know"...welllllllllll you, see i did feel horribly aweful for introducing the breakup or whatever because it seemed to hurt him and as you can see from todays post he doesn't seem to be too very hurt or depressed or anything(seeing as he more than likely liked someone else all along and has for like 3-4 years, geez)...now i feel horrible for falling for something like that, then again it doesn't surprise me because thats just my luck with guys...lose/lose situation for me i guess you could say...but hey i did get 3 new shirts...asldkfj;akrjt;iajgaie;ji-928358u fjkajsdpq48up08u ;aijdfioquw4p85uqp2tpaoisdfjuiergyurhyq8a;fkjdaopiut84